Home Sweet Home

After 30 hours plus of buses and planes, I finally made it home yesterday. A few cakes and a good sleep later, and I'm almost human again.

A few people combined to make the trip an interesting one.

• The elderly, um, gentleman, who decided peeing with the door open was appropriate behaviour on a six hour bus ride. No one needs that sound ringing round their head all the way to Osaka.
• The immaculately dressed and made up women on my flight. They in no way made me feel smelly and unkempt. No way, nuh uh. Although they did help me to notice that my 6 year old hoodie now has a bicycle oil stain from where it got caught in my wheels. Perhaps I will track down a clean top for the return journey. I draw the line at make up.
• The staff McDonald's in Dubai airport who seemed bewildered by my travel weary state. I wasn't drunk or high, I promise, I was just reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllyyyyyyy tired. And yes, I'm aware that I should probably have taken the opportunity to find something authentic from the area, but after 10 hours of flying and 8 hours left to go, I didn't have the imagination. Also, did you know that the bread in Dubai's cheeseburgers is a little different to the Japanese version. No? Well, then, you learned something new today. Hoorah for that!
• The passport control officer at Heathrow airport who, unlike her rather friendly co-workers at all the other stations, seeemed determined not to smile. In fact, she looked at my passport (with a picture of my old haircut) and frowned at my new haircut. I would just like to point out to you, random passport control lady if, by some absurd trick of the stars,you are reading this, my hair looks much better when it's clean and has met a hairbrush in the recent past. There's really no need to frown at it. Seriously, do you know what two buses, two planes and a train can do for your hair? Nothing good.
• Imaginary Dorothy, a friend of my Mum's who I've never met, hence the name. She inspired the most recent Mumism yesterday. When I told Mum that I thought Dorothy was imaginary, she "She's not imaginary, she's very nice."

So, I'm looking forward to a good trip and to catching up with a few people I haven't seen for a while. Who knows what interesting blog fodder I may discover?

The night before

So now the cause of the tummy trouble has been identified, I can relax. It was not a bug, but I learned the hard way to check the due date on any food leaving the fridge. The mayonnaise I used in my sandwich the other day was more than a year out of date. Apparently, that's a bad thing.

Lucklily, the stomach has now settled too, so I'm free to get ready for tomorrow's trip.

I'm headed home for a few weeks to catch up with some friends and family, maybe a bit of shopping and a whole lot of eating. One thing about living abroad is missing certain foods. I plan on eating plenty of fish and chips, cheese, Hob Nobs and, if I can find them, Creme Eggs. Although not necessarily in that order. And probably not at the same time.

I shall also be angling for a roast dinner care of my Dad, and perhaps a curry or two. I've heard it's cold there, so a curry will be just the thing.

What food do you miss when you're away from home?

Quiet times

Over the past few days, I've been hit with a bit of a stomach bug.. In Japan you go to the hospital for even minor illnesses and get pumped full of so much medication you're high for weeks, which is kinda fun, but I'm a bit of a hippy about these things and prefer to avoid unnecessary medicine. So, I decided to stay home and become best friends with the toilet. Not fun.

But, happy days are here again and I've managed to hold on to the mashed potato I had for breakfast. I know that may seem an odd choice but I was in a really potatoey mood, and don't tell me you don't get those. I've spent altogether too much time this morning washing and ironing clothes, getting ready to go home on Monday, where I will hopefully get out of washing or ironing anything at least for the first week (when we get into week 2, the novelty of having child number 2 home starts to wear off).

All of this combines to mean I've had very limited conversation over the last few days, and a lot of time to read interesting blogs. And, after reading this post (contains strong language, just in case that's not your thing) about a crazy Japanese Sister in Law (other kinds are available) and this conversation with a lunatic co-worker, I think I may be quite lucky in my seclusion. At least it's peaceful.

Moon viewing

Japanese people are very keen on their four seasons. In fact, if ever you are compelled to ask a Japanese person why they like Japan, you should be prepared to hear that they like that they have four seasons. And I know that's the case for a lot of places, but I always think it prudent not to antagonise people in conversation so I always act like I think that's totally unique.

The number of seasons in Japan may not be impressive in itself, but the determination to mark each season certainly is. There are any number of seasonal based festivals, most of which involve "viewing" something. There's cherry blossom "viewing", autumn leaves "viewing" and, the one that was held yesterday, moon "viewing." I say "viewing" because, frankly, so much alcohol is consumed in the course of these events, I'm surprised anyone can actually still see.

You see, as much as these are supposed to be opportunities to celebrate the season in question, maybe sip a little tea, partake of a little cake and perhaps write a little haiku, most people settle for a few beers, a gallon of Shochu and a bit of a barbecue. And thank God for that, I wouldn't know how to start to write a haiku, although I do like a bit of tea and cake.

In the name of cultural understanding and co operation, I like to attend as many such "viewing" parties as possible, and last night was no exception. Some friends came over and we all sat out on the terrace, with a few beers, a bit of shochu, and, a controversially un-Japanese Thai curry. Despite a forecast of rain, the night was clear and bright, and the moon was duly viewed and admired. The conversation was great, mostly thanks to Hideosan, who can always be counted on to brighten up any party with songs, stories and, sometimes, the odd dance. Yesterday, she appeared with a few books she thought we might find interesting (we're a household of book nerds and we were suitably impressed) and a bunch of souvenirs from Okinawa, included star fruit. I mean, if someone brings star fruit to your house, you have to love them, right?


So, that's September's "viewing" done and dusted, time to start thinking about the best location for a bit of autumn colour viewing. Oh, and to stock up on beer for the occasion.

Taking a bath, Japan style

Sunday afternoons are all about the laziness, aren't they? So far today, I've had a lovely lunch someone else made, taken a nap (lunch is exhausting, after all) and had a long hot bath, Japanese style.

I'm lucky to live in a town famous for its hot springs, which means that people here that Sunday afternoons are often an excuse for a laze in a tub with a heap of other people that you've never met. For health reasons, obviously.

So, in the spirit of cultural understanding, I took a trip to the local bath this afternoon. In my neighbourhood, there are a few baths, known as Sento, but I headed to the nearest one (it is a lazy Sunday). It's a Mom and Pop kind of place. The man at the reception was so elderly, he couldn't see the coins as I put them on the desk. The other customers were of a similar group, which reassured me that my fat white ass might not draw so much attention if most of the customers were half blind.

Some chance. While I was in the middle of undressing, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone (not usually a problem in Japan), a geriatric voice announced that I was beautiful. Now, call me shallow, but I'll take a compliment from anyone, so I was enormously pleased with myself. Add in her friend who commented that I was beautiful because I was so young, and you can see why I all but strutted my naked butt into the bath.

The bath was almost empty, which is unusual on a Sunday. I guess this Mom and Pop bath is not so popular, but I kinda liked it. The lack of an audience makes the communal bathing a little more  relaxing.

When I was leaving, another old lady (seriously, I live in the land of the coffin dodgers) told me I was tall. I drew myself up straight in all my 5foot2 glory and thanked her, while wondering if the bath water actually contained hallucinogens. 

If it was, I'm in for a fun evening.

A bit of internet awesome

The internet is a wonderful place, isn't it? I mean, it contains things like this:

Shop by colour!
Genius!

Amusingly named (but very cute) children!
Fantastic!

Plan a trip!
Without the need for passport, tickets, or even money!

Get an education!
For free! Even better.

Why leave the house?

Triangle Ken and the balance ball class

It is a common stereotype that Japanese people are small. This is not a myth. I swear, Japanese women are tiny. Not just in terms of height, but also in terms of width. Living in the land of the little people, it's difficult not to develop a slight complex about the size of my hips, and the fact that I have some. And that's before I tried to buy trousers.

In my everlasting quest to look like I'm not the one who ate all the pies (although I totally did, assuming they were good pies), I decided to join a balance ball class. I already run and swim, so, in my dodgy wisdom, I decided some "toning" was in order. And, really, how hard can balance ball be? Right? It's a giant basketball, you sit on it and move a bit, and, voila! A flat stomach and no bingo wings! Easy!

Well, I arrived at the first class after a confusing debate with the community centre staff about why I had to pay 2000yen for the term, but still had to cough up 300yen for each session. It's not expensive, but I don't get why I couldn't just pay for the term in one go and not have to faff about with change every time. In the end, I accepted their bonkers system and wandered off to find the room. I was thrilled to see the class was mostly made up of old women, confirming my impression that the class couldn't be that hard. Old women can't do hard core, crazy abs work, right? Um, wrong, as it turned out, giving me great hope for my elderly years.

When the teacher came in, I managed not to laugh, but barely. He's a Japanese Ken doll, with a seriously pumped up upper body, wrapped in the customary Lycra top, just in case you hadn't seen the muscles through the regular T-shirt. He is, literally, triangular. He must spend a disproportionate amount of his time lifting weights to get that way, which in itself is impressive, if a little disturbing. I didn't catch his real name, so have christened him Triangle Ken.

It turns out that Triangle Ken is basically a sadist. If I was meant to be able to lie on my side and lift my head and feet off the floor at the same time, my life would be altogether different. Balancing on the, I now realise, jokingly named "balance ball", relies on muscles that I may technically have, but don't have any use for in daily life. I fell off more times than I would like to admit to. And the kicker? Not one of those old women took a tumble. Freaks.

So, for the next few months, I am destined to suffer through my Tuesday mornings, and then live through the muscle pain for the rest of the week. If I don't have abs to die for by the end of it, I may ask for my money back. That'll confuse the staff at the centre with their crazy system. Ha!

The trouble with fish

Autumn is gently knocking on the door, politely shoving the heat of summer to one side, although being bullied slightly by the typhoons passing by. We're pretty lucky in this city, thanks to the mountains protecting us on three sides, typhoons rarely hit us directly and just send a bit of spiteful humidity and heavy rain, just to let us know they're there. Which means we can start to relax and consider leaving the house without a stack of towels to dry the sweat off once we arrive at our destination.

It also means we can start to enjoy the fruits of autumn, as well as the vegetables, and fish. The fish here is famously good, coming from the part of the world where the inland sea meets the pacific. And this is, apparently, the best season to enjoy said fish.

Last night we had grilled Sanma for dinner. Usually a cause for celebration in my world, I love me a bit of grilled fish. Except for a few small points.

How on earth am I supposed to pick apart a fish with chopsticks? Especially while trying to avoid the innards, which hadn't been removed. It's very embarrassing to be surrounded by Japanese people merrily pulling apart their fish, separating the edible parts from the stomach with ease, and making a neat little pile of bones and guts on their plate, while I spend about ten minutes making a total mess. Luckily, we were eating outside and the relative darkness helped me to disguise the mess until I could run away to the kitchen and get rid of it all without anyone seeing.

The second problem only became apparent today. I woke up this morning and wandered into the kitchen to make breakfast and was met with the god awful smell of fish guts. And a Good Morning to you too. Yuck. I know there is probably a clever trick involving baking soda but I'm not sure what it is. I cleaned the sink properly last night but the smell didn't die, apparently.

So now I'm off to Google "Help, my kitchen smells of fish guts, what should I do?".

Trashy TV

I have resorted to the Internet with a side order of re-watching Sex and the City for the umpteenth time. All day I was thinking "ooh, home, rubbish American TV dramas and some chocolate", over and over again in my head, when I really should have been  focusing on verb tenses or some such. It was just one of those days when I was looking forward to being home and enjoying something trashy on TV. The trashier the better.

Or so I thought...

It turns out even my ability to watch the worst program on TV has its limits. Emmy Award Red carpet show, anyone? I didn't know Ryan Seacrest was so irritating, and don't get me started on the gush-fest offered by his his female co-presenter. There's only so many black dresses I can watch being analysed before I get distinctly irritable.

But, hey! I live in Japan and there's no reason to limit my viewing to the American drama channel, right? Except that the Japanese channels didn't offer much more.

Perhaps I would appreciate Japanese comedy more if I spent more time trying to follow the jokes. From time to time, I watch with my roommates, and they try to explain why they're laughing, but comedy doesn't translate, somehow, does it?

Japanese TV mainly consists of a group of about 15 comedians who seem to appear on some kind of rotation system on all channels, on all shows. There appears to be a shortage of funny people in Japan, I'm really not kidding when I say the same people appear over and over again during the week. I can't tell you if they make the same jokes over and over again, because I have no idea what they are saying, but I strongly suspect the gags are all the same too.

So, the comedy's not for me. But I can usually find a drama crappy enough to entertain me, even the entertainment comes mostly from the version of the script I invent for myself. I've been loving the Monday night dramas for a few years now.

They usually star a member of a boy band, which doesn't always result in fantastic acting but is a wonderful source of eye candy. We should never sniff at eye candy. The plots are sufficiently ludicrous to allow me to embellish for my own entertainment, and I always get a sense of satisfaction when I actually understand what someone has said, rather than reading body language and facial cues (they make up 70% of communication dontcha know).

But, sadly, tonight is not Monday, and I just wasn't feeling any of the Saturday night dramas available. So here I am, whining about the need to reach for the DVDs and re-live the early days of Samantha and Smith in Sex and the City (Season 6, for the SATC geeks who may be reading this).

If this continues, I may be forced to leave the house... But I wouldn't want to get carried away.

Back to the books

My Japanese test results are finally in and *sigh*, I didn't pass. {Insert appropriately sympathetic noise and possibly some conciliatory chocolate/cheese/expensive gift of your choice here}


Japanese is notoriously difficult to learn, and it's flummoxed many a foreigner before me. I can understand basic conversation, as long as there are not too many people participating, which makes me a hoot at parties. I can also understand TV dramas, mostly because the ones I tend to watch were written with 6th graders in mind and the stars are always either in SMAP or Arashi. I'm currently swooning over MatsuJun of a Monday night, followed by SMAP cooking for random Japanese celebrities I've never heard of. I can also answer simple questions without looking totally stupid, although there is the occasional comedy misunderstanding.

Reading, on the other hand, is beyond me. I can read some things but have a really bad habit of skipping the kanji I don't know, which probably explains why I have trouble passing reading tests. My cunning plan of reading comic books as a sure fire way to improve my reading skills hasn't paid off as much as I had hoped, although my students are impressed with my knowledge of "One Piece" and I thoroughly enjoyed "My Darling is a Foreigner".

The next test will be held in December. I've already picked up the application form and will fork out another 5000\ for another shot.

So, it looks like I'm going to have to get more serious. Back to the text books and back to the library. I may even have to watch the news.

Rarely heard tandem news

Are you a tandem rider? Do you have the urge to cycle as a duo in the Land of the Rising Sun? Well, I'm sorry to say that your dreams are set to be crushed. Tandems are not permitted on public roads over here in most areas. But, don't despair, tandem riders, I have news.

The exciting news for all tandem users is that Ehime is to become one four prefectures in Japan to allow tandems on public roads. Yes, that's right folks, now you can enjoy all the fun of riding a bicycle made for two all over this beautiful region. And, when you should get tired of Ehime (as if such a thing were ever possible), you can take your tandem over to Hyogo, Yamagata or Nagano, and enjoy the two person bicycle over there.

The small thorn in this victory crown for tandem enthusiasts everywhere is that the bridge connecting Ehime (in Shikoku) to Hiroshima Prefecture (on Honshu) is not included in the tandem revolution. You cannot cycle as a two-person/one bike team across the Shimanami Kaido, a bridge made for such endeavors, surely. Just the twisty, turny paths that take you off the bridge and on on to the little islands linked by the bridge would be a test of your tandem suitability. And a fantastic chance for people to laugh at the comedy sight of two people falling off the same bike, or is that just me?

Luckily, this diplomatic nightmare looks set to be resolved quickly as the governor of Hiroshima has indicated his enthusiasm to find a solution to the bridge/tandem issue as soon as possible. A summit destined to be featured on CNN anytime soon.

My dear letters

Amber, who writes this blog, does this from time to time so I thought I'd give it a go.

Dear random child who cycled past me the other day,
Thank you for looking awestruck and gasping when you saw me. I know it's probably because you don't see many foreigners and I look a bit funny, but it made me feel like I was a B-List celebrity. Like an ex-Big Brother contestant, or something.
You made my day..
Sarah XOXO

Dear Strawberry Cones Pizza,
Not only do you have an amazing name, you have a fantastic range of pizzas. Yesterday's Cheese pizza was delicious, even if the cheese itself was unidentifiable. The potato sticks were good too.
You may not be healthy, but you sure are good.
Sarah XOXO

Dear Drama channel people,
I watch altogether too much of you channel, I know that, but is it really necessary to show the same episodes so many times in the same week? It makes me feel like all I do is watch TV. Also, please cut out the annoying Proactiv commercials. They are irritating enough to cause acne. Can we have more of the satnav ones, they're unintentionally hilarious.
And, yes, I know that I should probably get out more.
Sarah XOXO

Dear typhoons,
Do you think you could move a little faster? I know you're helpfully avoiding the area I live in, thank you for the thought, but the humidity that comes here when you're there is killing me slowly.
Just keep on moving.
Sarah XOXO

Dear TV Drama writers,
What time do your characters wake up in the morning? I only ask because they always seem to have time for a leisurely breakfast or a family argument (OK, so my family can manage that, but it's a really high speed argument). In Gossip Girl, they seem to have time to travel from Brooklyn to the Upper East Side, in full make up and perfect outfits, for a casual breakfast before school. And that's despite the late night shenanigans they get up to.
Or maybe office hours start later in TV land.
Sarah XOXO

It's over.

Hi summer. We need to talk.

I know we all were super excited when rainy season finally came to an end and you arrived in all your sunny, funny glory.

I know I spent entire childhoods cursing your English cousin for providing only rain and temperatures that require a sweater.

I know you're the season with the best fruit to accompany ice cream (remember the blueberries? That was a great day, I'll treasure the memories)

And you know that we all do really love you. We love the days at the beach. We love the lazy days in the mountains. We love the beer gardens and the festivals and all that stuff.

But I'm afraid you've somewhat outstayed your welcome. not that it's not been fun, but all good things must come to an end. It's not you, it's me. I'm just looking for something you can't offer me. I'm afraid there's something else. Another season. I didn't mean to hurt you. It just happened. Autumn and I met by accident and we just clicked. The cool winds, the autumn colours, the lack of sweat rolling down my back...

You'll find somewhere else. I think Australia is about ready for summer in a few months.

I hope we can part as friends.

A long and happy life?

A while back I wrote a post about a family who kept their father's mummified body in his bedroom after his death for thirty years and continued claiming his pension (click here to read the post). It seems that not declaring the death of elderly relatives is quite the thing to do over here in Japan.

It turns out that many local governments are often unable to check up on elderly people who are infirm or just simply far too old for any of this "meeting government officials to check if you're still alive" nonsense. This leaves a gaping loophole for the unscrupulous. Simply claim Dear Old Dad is simply too old to receive guests, fill in the paperwork (obviously Dear Old Dad is too elderly to do that without assistance) and get your pension check to spend as you will. Easy money.

Since the original "Mummified corpse in the house" story hit the headlines, local governments all over Japan have been hastily checking the existence of their eldest residents and have found that a disturbingly large number of families have been failing to declare the deaths of their relatives. When I say disturbingly large, let's face it, even one is pretty bad, but multiple cases is just plain gross. I can't say if all of the families involved are living with actual corpses in their homes, but still, gross.

But then the picture becomes a little larger. Japan is famous as a nation with a very high life expectancy. According to the ever-accurate Wikipedia, it's 78.87 years for men and 85.66 years for women. But, and it's a big but, if these figures are based upon the records produced by local governments handing out pensions, they might be a bit wrong, right? The claims that the Japanese diet and lifestyle is guaranteed to extend your life may not have quite as much evidence to support them as we may have thought.

Which leads me to wonder, if the Japanese life expectancy is not as high as we thought, has all my tofu eating been for nothing? All that green tea quaffing? All the attempts to mimic the Japanese lifestyle in an attempt to extend my life?

To be fair, according to the Daily Yomiuri, the figures are calculated without including the extremely old, because they are such a small percentage that one death among them (and when you're dealing with people aged 100 or more, death is, sadly, quite common) would totally mess with the overall numbers. The cases of fraud against the state are mostly involving the extremely old, so the life expectancy figures may not be as inaccurate as it may seem at first glance.

But, it's a great excuse to have a good old fashioned Roast dinner and forget about the Japanese food for a while.

Living in an English world

I bought a newspaper yesterday. I feel like I should get a round of applause there. Thank you for indulging me. I know what you're thinking, Japanese newspapers are, like written in Japanese and stuff. But don't get too impressed, it was English language newspaper. They are pretty widely available here. I still don't buy them often, but it's harder to make excuses about that, other than to point out that we can get more from the Internet these days.

When you think about it, it's pretty cool that we can get Japanese newspapers in English in Japan. I'm not sure the reverse is true in the UK. There are two main newspapers, the Daily Yomiuri and the Japan Times , both of which are available even in my little backwater of Japan. I can even get the Daily Yomiuri in my local convenience store. I probably shouldn't have told you that, it makes the fact that I rarely bother to read it even more shameful.

Basically, foreigners living in Japan have no excuse for not keeping up with the news. Even without the miracle of cable (hello CNN and constant repeats of Without a Trace), the evening news is available in English with the click of the "bilingual button" found on most remote controls. Actually, many programs have either an English translation, like the news, or can be watched in the original English or in dubbed Japanese, depending on your mood. If you're really crazy and fun, you can switch between them for comedy purposes, but I recommend keeping that game for a really dull day.

But these services are not really intended for foreigners living here, they are intended for people who want to learn English. Impressive, huh?

With the news (as told by CNN, see! So helpful!) that English is the world's most important language, although not the one spoken by the most people, I guess people will keep trying to master the English language. Great news for people like me, I'm always on the lookout for new students.

But I can't help but feel a little embarrassed. People often ask me if we study lots of languages in the UK, and I have to say, not really. Despite being part of the EU, English people are not proficient in foreign languages. When I taught French in London, my students liked nothing more than to point out that people speak English everywhere you go. British people are quick to condemn those who live in Britain and don't speak English. In fact, in the recent election, a big manifesto point was the provision of English classes for new arrivals. (An interesting proposal when funding for the colleges offering such courses has been cut, but that's a separate issue.)

The fact is, we live in an English speaking world, and non-native speakers need to learn English if they want to go beyond the limits of their own country, sometimes even if they don't. Companies here often look for English language capability, even if it's not necessary to be able to do the job. English tests such as TOEIC and Eiken are held almost every Sunday, and many people take them repeatedly, with the intention of improving their score. Personally, I'd rather be enjoying the sun in a beer garden or in the park, but each to their own.

I am quite proud of, and, yes, I'll say it, a bit smug about, my basic Japanese ability. Really, I have no excuse for not having more ability. I'm surrounded by Japanese all day, every day. But there's really no need for my local convenience store to stock more Japanese newspapers for me. I won't be able to read them for quite some time.